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Dignity is overrated. In fact, if you want to be successful, you are just getting in the way of unpleasant things like maintaining self-esteem. Consider the example of this Florida man who decided to steal a sandwich on the subway. He could have accomplished this in many ways; he decided to just shove the full length of his leg into his pants. And that’s why he wrote an article about him and you read it, buddy.

This is also the reason the Florida police are looking for him and drawing public attention to the crime of the century, which took place at a Marathon gas station in Lakeland, Florida at approximately 8:45 pm on November 25. After unceremonious stabbing in the leg. According to ABC Local 10 News, the man paid for the soda and left the store. Then he rode off by bike.

It’s funny, yes. But the real gold here is the Polk County Sheriff’s reaction to the incident via a rambling Facebook post that opens with the immortal phrase, “There’s a sandwich thief among us.”